oh goodness.

I feel like I am just a mess. I don't like where i'm at with my weight.  I love the fact that I get to do so much now... like live on campus, eat what i want, play tennis, etc, etc. but at the same time, I absolutely, positively hate everything about it too. i'm freaking out today about my weight.  I don't want to be, but I am.  I feel like i'm fat and disgusting and worthless.

and I have a confession to make. one that no one knows about until now that i'm going to say right now.  I have been hanging out with nick. and of couse I still love him...how could I not? but what about juan? I just feel like an absolutely horrible person.  idk what to do.  I wish I just wasn't here at all. I want to just disappear...

finally on break!

well now that finals are over, I finally have some time to post!  I finished finals last week..which was sooo stressful, but I made it through with my lowest grade of an 88 overall! so I can definitely deal with that.  I came home Saturday night and it is so so nice to be home!  Juan came home with me and came with us to get our Christmas tree!  I had to take him to the airport today which sucked.  he's 12 hours (by plane) away from me ): but in a month i'll get to see him again! so I guess i'll live.

anyways, things with body image have been horrible.  today, my dad told me that I look "so good" and I feel "like I should."  I know he means it in the best, most caring way possible, but I can't help feeling like I've gained so much weight and am just so heavy.  I don't know...I just feel like I need to lose weight.  I have wanted to crawl out of my skin lately and it's a horrible feeling.  i'm not sure what to do.

i'm hoping that with time i'll get used to where i'm at.  I know that I feel so much better than I have and I have so much energy.  but it still is really tough to be at the highest weight I've ever been at.  I wish I had an idea of how to accept myself and the weight i'm at..

It has been forever since I've written anything on here.  with finally getting to a healthy point in my recovery, life has just become so crazy that I haven't really had much time for blogging.  but I kind of want to get back into it because the truth is, although my weight is good...(too good for my liking)...I have been struggling a LOT lately and I think it would be really good for me to try and express some of the feelings I've been holding onto for a LONG time now.

Where to begin?

If any of you have been following my on facebook at all, you probably know that i'm back at school, living on campus this year! the year has been filled with so many great things so far.  i'm on the tennis team, I've made a ton of new friends, and I even have a new boyfriend.  But i'll get to that part!  this is finals weeks, and it's been tough but i'm passing all of my classes, so I should be on my way to my second semester of my junior year of nursing!  time has seriously flown.  and it feels so great to be on campus and finally on my own.  classes have been hard, but i'm doing fine so I won't bore you with all of that.  I just know even more this year after going to the hospital and doing clinical that this is definitely the profession I was set out to do.  I love everything about it, despite the tough moments nursing brings.

i'll start with the most exciting thing that has happened to me this semester...tennis!  I made the team.  this has been my dream since I was like 9 years old playing in tournaments and taking lessons.  when my eating disorder began and I lost playing, I never thought I would get it back.  this year I set out with the reality that I wasn't going to be good enough to make the team.  after 8 years of not playing, I really didn't think there was a chance in hell I could make it.  but I tried anyways and i'm so glad that I did.  because I made it!  I don't know how many matches i'll actually get to play in this year, but i'm just so happy to be on the team. 

this is where things start to get a little sticky though..

I came to school at the beginning of the semester at a weight that I was a little bit uncomfortable at, but could tolerate.  it was still something I could deal with.  but tennis started and we had to go to lifting 4 times per week.  I was really excited about getting into really good shape and everything, but I had never really "lifted" before and didn't think about the whole, muscle=weight gain thing.  so as I started to lift more, I started to gain weight.  and thus, started to freak the fuck out.  which is where i'm at now.  freaking the FUCK OUT!

I try to keep telling myself it's muscle and muscle weighs more than fat and that's why my weight's gone up. but I've never ever been at this weight.  and I always told myself I would never ever get to this weight.  so it's so weird and I just don't know how to accept it.  I hate the way all my clothes fit.  but jeans are skin tight and i'm freaking out because what if I have to get all new jeans?  and I don't know, it's just such a foreign feeling.  and it's driving me insane.

I have a new boyfriend...a guy I met on the tennis team.  he's from chile, actually and so adorable because of his accent and such.  he's so sweet and really good for me.  we've been together for like a month and a half now...but he's already tired of my low self esteem.  he just doesn't get that it isn't something you can just "fix."  it's a process...and it's been with me for a long time. and it's not going away any time soon.  I really believe that eating disorders are something that stays with you forever.  and I just don't want to ruin another relationship because i'm a freak and can't accept myself.

but yeah, that's my update in a very brief nutshell.  i'm going to try to keep this up to date, but who knows if that will happen.

So it's been a while since i've written on here. this morning i got some really bad news...and i'm sitting at school waiting for my two hardest finals and trying to hold myself together.

a girl that i had known since my very first time in treatment passed away. i don't even know how to process it. she was the first person i ever met when i went into cope back in 2004. she had been there pretty much every single time i was in. she had a smile on her face for everyone, no matter what was going on in her own life. she had to of been one of the strongest girls i have ever met in my life. and now she's gone.

i don't know what to think or what to do. i cried earlier. but it didn't seem to do anything. i just keep sitting here and thinking how unfuckingfair this whole disease is. a beautiful, talented, smart, amazing girl died because of this stupid disease. she didn't ask for it. she didn't want it. and it ended her life. it just makes me so mad. i want to just beat the shit out of something. why does this happen to such amazing people? she was a shoulder for so so so many people...maybe she really needed one too. i wish i would have been there for her more. i was also so selfcentered when i was in treatment..always worrying about my weight and calories and how i looked at what people thought of me. maybe if i would've stepped back and looked at the girls around me, i could've seen their struggles too.

i know that in no way it's my fault. it just makes me so so fucking angry. she did not deserve this. none of us do. but we are given it and we have to keep fighting. i will never stop fighting for my recovery. this stupid disease does not deserve to take anymore innocent lives. so everyone, just please please keep fighting. it really is your life you're fighting for.

what is going on?

so this weeked ended up being a lot harder than i had anticipated.  i went to see my grandparents for easter, and i didn't expect it to be anxiety provoking at all.  i have been fine with eating whatever and relaxing has become a lot more of a "relaxing" thing for me...but it ended up being way harder than i expected.

i took easter baskets down to WPIC on thursday and i saw a ton staff people i knew and absolutely loved.  i didn't think it like bothered me to go back there...but the past few days i have been having way more eating disordered thoughts and feelings lately.  and i don't get why.

trying on bathing suits friday night was horrible. it brought on a lot of thoughts and anxiety...and it's been the first time in a while that's happened. saturday morning was the day i looked for my easter basket because i was going to be at my grandparents on easter morning.  and my mom really expected me to eat some candy because i had been teasing her about how i wanted some "real" candy this year instead of just like, gum.  so i had some chocolate. and then on the way to my grandparents on saturday we stopped for lunch before we got there.  annnnnnd we had to eat at wendys.  after chocolate and wendys i was NOT feeling too hot.  and then we went out to dinner that night.  and i ate at a restaurant.  the thoughts just  kept spiraling and spiraling.
then i had a few drinks with my grandparents.  gotta love calories in alcohol, huh?  but it made me forget about it.  and then i had a piece of pie for dessert.
and then i couldn't take it anymore and ended up purging.  for the first time in a lonnnnng time.  ugh.
and the thoughst have just continued from there.  and i don't know what to do about it.  i ate mcdonalds on the way home...and wanted to flip out. but i did it anyway.  and i just keep doing it. i just keep eating.  but it keeps freaking me out more and more. and i don't know how to make it go away before something actually happens and i start slipping again.  i can't have that happen. i can't.

not a fan.

Today has been an interesting day.  It started off on a good note...my mom and I dyed Easter eggs and I got a hair cut that didn't turn out too badly.  things were going pretty well until i started thinking about things and dwelling on a bunch of shit i shouldn't have been.

then my mom and i went shopping this evening and i was looking at bathing suits.  it's the first time i've tried on bathing suits at the store since i've gained all this weight in the past year...and it did not feel so good.  it was the first time in a while that i have had really bad body image..and thoughts of wanting to stop eating. 

i stood there trying to let my mom see that it was bothering me, which i think i did a good job of.  but as i stood there taking in all the changes that my body's gone through, i really started to struggle.  it scared the shit out of me to have all of those thoughts come rushing back...they haven't been here in so long.  i still came home and ate what i normally do for a snack. but the thoughts are still circling in my head.  and it's not something i'm a fan of...

babbling

it's crazy to have people say i'm an inspiration to them. or someone they look up to. idk, for the past eight years i have been the person that the doctors had said to "stay away from" or that i was "a bad influence." and i was really bad in treatment...hahaah anyone that was in there with me knows that. but i was just reading comments and got a few texts today that just made me think about how my recovery has an effect on everyone around me too. and i hope that i can help any of you in any way i can. that would be one of the best things that comes out of my recovery...seeing it help others.

today was a busy, fun day. class, tennis, and then i hung out with my ex boyfriend mike.  which ended up being a lot of fun! we hung out last week too and had a really good time, so we decided to plan to hang out again. i don't know that i want a relationship at all right now, or what.  but it was just nice seeing him and having a good time. and tennis was so fun, as always haha. i didn't play my best because it was super windy outside...but i have learned to NEVER EVER take tennis for granted. so i brushed it off and just enjoyed the fact that i was playing. but that's about all for now. it's time for bed!