It has been forever since I've written anything on here.  with finally getting to a healthy point in my recovery, life has just become so crazy that I haven't really had much time for blogging.  but I kind of want to get back into it because the truth is, although my weight is good...(too good for my liking)...I have been struggling a LOT lately and I think it would be really good for me to try and express some of the feelings I've been holding onto for a LONG time now.

Where to begin?

If any of you have been following my on facebook at all, you probably know that i'm back at school, living on campus this year! the year has been filled with so many great things so far.  i'm on the tennis team, I've made a ton of new friends, and I even have a new boyfriend.  But i'll get to that part!  this is finals weeks, and it's been tough but i'm passing all of my classes, so I should be on my way to my second semester of my junior year of nursing!  time has seriously flown.  and it feels so great to be on campus and finally on my own.  classes have been hard, but i'm doing fine so I won't bore you with all of that.  I just know even more this year after going to the hospital and doing clinical that this is definitely the profession I was set out to do.  I love everything about it, despite the tough moments nursing brings.

i'll start with the most exciting thing that has happened to me this semester...tennis!  I made the team.  this has been my dream since I was like 9 years old playing in tournaments and taking lessons.  when my eating disorder began and I lost playing, I never thought I would get it back.  this year I set out with the reality that I wasn't going to be good enough to make the team.  after 8 years of not playing, I really didn't think there was a chance in hell I could make it.  but I tried anyways and i'm so glad that I did.  because I made it!  I don't know how many matches i'll actually get to play in this year, but i'm just so happy to be on the team. 

this is where things start to get a little sticky though..

I came to school at the beginning of the semester at a weight that I was a little bit uncomfortable at, but could tolerate.  it was still something I could deal with.  but tennis started and we had to go to lifting 4 times per week.  I was really excited about getting into really good shape and everything, but I had never really "lifted" before and didn't think about the whole, muscle=weight gain thing.  so as I started to lift more, I started to gain weight.  and thus, started to freak the fuck out.  which is where i'm at now.  freaking the FUCK OUT!

I try to keep telling myself it's muscle and muscle weighs more than fat and that's why my weight's gone up. but I've never ever been at this weight.  and I always told myself I would never ever get to this weight.  so it's so weird and I just don't know how to accept it.  I hate the way all my clothes fit.  but jeans are skin tight and i'm freaking out because what if I have to get all new jeans?  and I don't know, it's just such a foreign feeling.  and it's driving me insane.

I have a new boyfriend...a guy I met on the tennis team.  he's from chile, actually and so adorable because of his accent and such.  he's so sweet and really good for me.  we've been together for like a month and a half now...but he's already tired of my low self esteem.  he just doesn't get that it isn't something you can just "fix."  it's a process...and it's been with me for a long time. and it's not going away any time soon.  I really believe that eating disorders are something that stays with you forever.  and I just don't want to ruin another relationship because i'm a freak and can't accept myself.

but yeah, that's my update in a very brief nutshell.  i'm going to try to keep this up to date, but who knows if that will happen.