oh goodness.

I feel like I am just a mess. I don't like where i'm at with my weight.  I love the fact that I get to do so much now... like live on campus, eat what i want, play tennis, etc, etc. but at the same time, I absolutely, positively hate everything about it too. i'm freaking out today about my weight.  I don't want to be, but I am.  I feel like i'm fat and disgusting and worthless.

and I have a confession to make. one that no one knows about until now that i'm going to say right now.  I have been hanging out with nick. and of couse I still love him...how could I not? but what about juan? I just feel like an absolutely horrible person.  idk what to do.  I wish I just wasn't here at all. I want to just disappear...