so this weeked ended up being a lot harder than i had anticipated. i went to see my grandparents for easter, and i didn't expect it to be anxiety provoking at all. i have been fine with eating whatever and relaxing has become a lot more of a "relaxing" thing for me...but it ended up being way harder than i expected.
i took easter baskets down to WPIC on thursday and i saw a ton staff people i knew and absolutely loved. i didn't think it like bothered me to go back there...but the past few days i have been having way more eating disordered thoughts and feelings lately. and i don't get why.
trying on bathing suits friday night was horrible. it brought on a lot of thoughts and anxiety...and it's been the first time in a while that's happened. saturday morning was the day i looked for my easter basket because i was going to be at my grandparents on easter morning. and my mom really expected me to eat some candy because i had been teasing her about how i wanted some "real" candy this year instead of just like, gum. so i had some chocolate. and then on the way to my grandparents on saturday we stopped for lunch before we got there. annnnnnd we had to eat at wendys. after chocolate and wendys i was NOT feeling too hot. and then we went out to dinner that night. and i ate at a restaurant. the thoughts just kept spiraling and spiraling.
then i had a few drinks with my grandparents. gotta love calories in alcohol, huh? but it made me forget about it. and then i had a piece of pie for dessert.
and then i couldn't take it anymore and ended up purging. for the first time in a lonnnnng time. ugh.
and the thoughst have just continued from there. and i don't know what to do about it. i ate mcdonalds on the way home...and wanted to flip out. but i did it anyway. and i just keep doing it. i just keep eating. but it keeps freaking me out more and more. and i don't know how to make it go away before something actually happens and i start slipping again. i can't have that happen. i can't.
It seems like you are so beyond ready to give this eating disorder up. Make a promise to yourself: I'm not going to purge anymore. I'm done purging. Look what it did to me. I know it's rough, but if you can find something to do that's a little safer, like going for a walk, or even writing about how disgusting it feels on your blog, or even texting me, it could help. You never know until you try right? I know how rough it is. I went through times of saying: I'm done with this (with my Borderline stuff) and I wasn't really ready. Yet it doesn't have to lead to full blown relapse. There are so many setbacks. Yet there always will be, and getting through them and learning from things is the best you can do. I hope things are going better today. It's a new day (even though it's mid afternoon) and tomorrow will be a new one too. Each day is really a new beginning. <3
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