So it's been a while since i've written on here. this morning i got some really bad news...and i'm sitting at school waiting for my two hardest finals and trying to hold myself together.

a girl that i had known since my very first time in treatment passed away. i don't even know how to process it. she was the first person i ever met when i went into cope back in 2004. she had been there pretty much every single time i was in. she had a smile on her face for everyone, no matter what was going on in her own life. she had to of been one of the strongest girls i have ever met in my life. and now she's gone.

i don't know what to think or what to do. i cried earlier. but it didn't seem to do anything. i just keep sitting here and thinking how unfuckingfair this whole disease is. a beautiful, talented, smart, amazing girl died because of this stupid disease. she didn't ask for it. she didn't want it. and it ended her life. it just makes me so mad. i want to just beat the shit out of something. why does this happen to such amazing people? she was a shoulder for so so so many people...maybe she really needed one too. i wish i would have been there for her more. i was also so selfcentered when i was in treatment..always worrying about my weight and calories and how i looked at what people thought of me. maybe if i would've stepped back and looked at the girls around me, i could've seen their struggles too.

i know that in no way it's my fault. it just makes me so so fucking angry. she did not deserve this. none of us do. but we are given it and we have to keep fighting. i will never stop fighting for my recovery. this stupid disease does not deserve to take anymore innocent lives. so everyone, just please please keep fighting. it really is your life you're fighting for.