not a fan.

Today has been an interesting day.  It started off on a good note...my mom and I dyed Easter eggs and I got a hair cut that didn't turn out too badly.  things were going pretty well until i started thinking about things and dwelling on a bunch of shit i shouldn't have been.

then my mom and i went shopping this evening and i was looking at bathing suits.  it's the first time i've tried on bathing suits at the store since i've gained all this weight in the past year...and it did not feel so good.  it was the first time in a while that i have had really bad body image..and thoughts of wanting to stop eating. 

i stood there trying to let my mom see that it was bothering me, which i think i did a good job of.  but as i stood there taking in all the changes that my body's gone through, i really started to struggle.  it scared the shit out of me to have all of those thoughts come rushing back...they haven't been here in so long.  i still came home and ate what i normally do for a snack. but the thoughts are still circling in my head.  and it's not something i'm a fan of...