so all of you are probably sick of this, just like the rest of the world...but nick and i broke up once again. this time it was completely my decision, though.
ever since february, when nick decided to take break from this relationship, i have felt so much anger and hate and resentment toward him. even though i knew he wasn't trying to hurt me, or just abandon me...i felt like i was completely alone when i needed someone the most. and it took a lot for me to open up about my eating disorder to him like i did. and to have that all crushed, crushed all of the trust and comfort i had in turning to him about it. and now, i find myself completely unable to trust him. and unable to open up and allow him into my feelings anymore. i'm afraid to get hurt again. and i'm afraid to let him have all of me again. i can't stand to have that pain ever again.
so i broke it off yesterday. i don't know if it was the best thing for me to do or not. i woke up this morning a wreck. i don't want to let him go. i don't know what to do. i still love him. but there is so much baggage in our relationship and with everything that happened...and i don't know if i'll ever be able to get past that. every time i'm with him, i feel bad about myself. it's nothing that he does. but it's just that i feel like i'm not good enough. that i'm a bad person, girlfriend, friend...i don't know. i just don't feel like i'm good enough. in a lot of aspects of my life. my grades, as a daughter, as a friend..and especially as his girlfriend. it hurts like hell and i am missing him so much. but what if it's better for me to move on. but then again, what if i'm throwing away the love of my life.
i don't know what to do.
My beautiful girl,
ReplyDeleteI read your blog and it hurts my heart. We're not so far apart in age, but sweetie, each year brings so much wisdom when we're young. I am still dealing with my own break up from February and it hurts like hell every day. But you are not a failure. You are loved, you are lovable, and you are worthy. Please remind yourself of that often.
A broken heart is the worst pain at any age. It never gets easier, but you get smarter and stronger.
Take care of yourself, please. I think of that day at COPE, huddled with you in the corner holding you and telling you how amazing you are and how much it would crush me and everyone else to lose you.
I too still struggle daily with my eating disorder. But learn to love yourself for who you are, not who you wish you were. You are my inspiration and my hope.
Love you.