crashing.

i'm a wreck. there really isn't any other way to put it. except that i am falling completely apart.  i honestly don't know what to do at this point. i keep feeling lower and lower down. i don't want to be falling. but i'm not sure how to get back up either.

when i was back at the begining of all of this, looking to recover, i honestly have no idea how i managed to get through half of the stuff i did. looking back...i was at the absolute lowest point in my eating disorder, and yet i was able to go out to restaurants. and not just any restaurants...things like sonic, taco bell, ice cream, and more. i just went out and did it. places i had never been. and i sat down. and i ate it.

i guess through all of it i was just caught up in getting healthy and getting better that i didn't think about all the emotions that i was surpressing the entire time. i wasn't talking to anyone. i didn't think i needed to. i didn't get anxious, because i was like in my own little world pretending like i was someone who didn't have a problem. i was out with friends who really didn't know about my eating disorder. and essentially i just pretended like i didn't even have one. but the reality is. i do have one. i do have anxiety towards food. i do have anxiety towards weight.

so why didn't i feel that anxiety back then? i think i was just so focused on feeling better, on getting better, on being better. but i didn't work through any of it. so what's happening now? i am freaking the fuck out.

i look in the mirror now and instead of being happy that i'm not where i was, i see the flaws again. i'm back to that harsh critic that always used to be there. i hate everything about it. everthing. i don't want to weigh this anymore. i hate that i fit into all my clothes. i hate that i eat even when i feel this disgusting. i hate everything basically. about myself. about food. about calories. about everything that i have done and was so proud of these past six months.

i don't know what to do. my anxiety is just going through the roof. and on top of that i'm taking it out on nick and that's not helping me or him or anyone for that matter. we got in a huge fight tonight and it was horrible. i had feelings that i never wanted to have again. thoughts that scare the shit out of me. i don't know what to do. why is it that everything is falling apart now? is it because i am so close to my goal? isn't being so close to my goal a good things. i'm literally like five pounds away from playing tennis. shouldn't i be pushing the hardest now? the end is right in sight. so why am i so terrified of it? happiness is right there. and i'm running in the other fucking direction. it doesn't make any sense.