it's over.

nick and i had still been talking for the past few days...and i've been on the fence with everything. i didn't realize until recently how badly he broke my trust in him. i knew it was broken. but i've been thinking a lot the past few days about it, and i've finally realized that it's past the point that i can do it right now.

i've always had a really hard time trusting people. i think a lot of it had to do with the eating disorder...and just my personality in general. but with nick i was always able to open up and just tell him everything. everything about my eating disorder, my family, my feelings...literally everything. on our first date i told him i had attempted suicide twice. like who does that? and what guy doesn't go running when they hear that? he didn't. he loved me and didn't judge me. but my eating disorder got to be too much i guess..and when he took that step back in february..i knew it hurt. but i didn't realize how badly it broke my trust in him either. he said he would always be there. through it all. but he wasn't.

anyways, i guess what i'm trying to get at is, i've worked too hard and too long to get to where i am at today. i am better than i have ever been. and i don't want to do anything to risk jepordizing that. and when i'm with nick and look at him..i just remember being sick. i remember being at the lowest point in my life. my rock bottom. all the fights, the nights i refused to eat, the crying, the anxiety. everything. i don't know..it's just a constant reminder of another thing my eating disorder took away from me. another thing that i had ruined because of it. and it's not healthy for me right now. i can't let that hold me back from being happy..i've waited too long and i've worked way too hard.

so i'm letting go of him tonight. he's going to get my number blocked and everything. this is real this time. and on one hand, it hurts so much. but on the other, it's freeing. i don't feel like i have to live up to someone's expectations. i don't feel like i'm being judged. i can worry about me and my recovery and for once, my happiness over someone else's. i'm trying to stay positive and know that this is all going to work out. i know in my heart i'm doing the right thing. but it hurts like hell at the same time. letting go of something that was once so great it probably one of the hardest things ever. and it reminds me a lot of when i finally let go of my eating disorder. i didn't want to..and i was completely terrified to. but in the end, it made me happier than i have known in a really long time. i'm just praying this will be the same way.