just kidding.

ok....so maybe i lied.
nick said he was going to block my number and stop talking to me. but that night that we decided to break it off and he said that, he ended up texting me that night at like two in the morning. it wasn't anything like, major. but the fact that i woke up to a text from him just got me thinking.
and so i responded to it. and we just started talking yesterday morning. and i realized that i had made a huge mistake. cuz it was my decision to break it off a couple nights ago. basically it all came down to me and what i thought i wanted. he was sure that he still wanted this relationship, and i wasn't. but yesterday i just started thinking about everything. and yeah, sure, it's fun to just go out and have fun and not worry about anything. but after the parties and the nights out with friends...i would go home to nothing. not to say i don't have friends and family that don't care about me or anything...but i would just feel so empty. because i didn't have that like, security i was craving. i missed having someone that i knew was there and that loved me. and that i knew would be there.
and i was ready to just move on. to forget about all the bullshit. all the stupid little petty stuff that we would fight about. it was so stupid. and all i wanted to do was go to his house and see him. that's all i wanted to do yesterday.
and that's what i ended up doing. after classes yesterday, i went over to his house and we ended up having the most amazing night that we have had since like, last christmas. no joke. we went shopping and out to dinner and a movie. it was great. we were able to just laugh and have fun. i let my guard down..and had the most fun i've had in such a long time.
i'm just really really hoping that it lasts. i'm afraid that this feeling will go away..that my trust in us and him will fade. i just really want things to stay this way. i'm putting all my faith in it. just like i did at the beginning of my recovery. i had very little faith that i could do this on my own..and neither did anyone else. but i put everything i had into it and i was able to do it. i'm hoping that if i give this relationship my all and put everything i have into it, that i can do this too. because i still love him with everything i have. and i know we can work. it's just a matter of time and willingness to work through everything.