thanksgiving.

i'm trying to focus on everything i'm thankful for today - it is thanksgiving. but i'm having a hard time with things.  i've never been good with holidays.  a lot of times they're pretty boring around here..i don't have a big family. and now that my brother and sister live so far away it's even smaller. it was just me and my parents today. so it was a lot of just sitting around not doing much. and that always gets my anxiety going. plus i had to work today. and that wasn't horrible, but still working on holidays is never a great time. so it was just kinda a blah day. and then i start thinking and things just get worse.
last night i went over to nick's house. and it was just so awkward. i wanted to see his family more than i wanted to see him. and it seemed like his grandma was more excited to see me than nick was. i didn't feel wanted there by him..and it was just so weird. so we got to talking. and i just felt like. nothing towards him. i didn't even want to cry when i just flat out told him that i didn't think i loved him anymore. normally that would make me upset...but last night it didn't. and i don't know. but i just didn't want to do it anymore. and i left.
i just don't think it's the same. and i know it's time i really need to let go. i know i say this every single time...and i know no one ever believed me when i say that. but i do know it's time for me to move on. but i can't help but feel like, an empty spot. there's a void. and it's so hard to fill with anything. i don't know what to do. he was such a big part of my self-esteem. and my motivation. and everything. and i just don't know what to do to fix that. i don't know what i can do to feel better about myself.
i'm so close to the weight my parents want me. and as i get close, i get more and more freaked out. my anxiety lately has just been insane. around food and looking in the mirror and clothes. it's just been like, overwhelming. i'm still eating. but again, i feel like crap about myself after.
and i got a bone density scan tuesday. the results came back yesterday. it was slightly worse than the last time i had a scan done..but it's still in the osteopenia level and not the osteoporosis level. i'm jsut scared. because i don't want it to get any worse. and i guess with all the stress i put my body through this past year, i should be thankful for those results. but i'm just really worried about my health. i want to be strong and healthy. i don't want to be hunched over at like, 30 years old. and i eat a lot of calcium and i take a supplement and all of that. so i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do to make my bones better. i emalied one of my old dietitians asking if there was anything i could do to make it help my bones out. so we'll see what they say. i just hope there's something i can do to get it to where i want it to be. i want to be healthy.

so i am really thankful for everything i've accomplished in this past year. i've come a long way. and i feel like i've accomplished a lot of things. but i still feel like there is so much missing. and that there is so much that still hasn't fallen into place..