moving on.

i am doing surprisingly well with the whole break up thing. i mean, i know it's not the first time nick and i have broken up or anything, but it is the first time that i haven't sat here and questioned it for hours a day or really been all that upset over it. i guess looking back at everything i don't really forgive him for what he did. i understand his reasoning behind breaking up and all of that..and i understand that this eating disorder is hard on everyone i am close with, but the way he went about doing it wasn't justified.

leaving the relationship and telling me that he is just stepping back and still wants us to be together is one thing.

showing it is something completely different. which isn't what he did in the slightest.  he would go for days without texting me back..after i said something like i missed him. he went to parties and drank for the first time..while i sat at home crying over a snack. he didn't ask how i was doing. he didn't get me anything for our 2 year aniversay. unless you call sex a gift. he wasn't there. and i can't pretend that he was.

i know that i should be able to forgive him and all that. and i did try. i really did. but it just wasn't working. and i still love him and care about him, but i can't pretend that's it's ever going to be the same again. i guess that's why i'm not upset this time. i'm not mad at him in any way..but i'm also done pretending like there's a way that i could trust him again. that i could feel comfortable talking to him about my worries and problems again. it's just not going to happen. you leave me when i need you the most, and it's just never going to go back to how it was.

and it feels good to not have to worry about someone else. not having to report back to someone about where i am, what i'm doing, who i'm with, etc etc.  and i get to have a fun, party-filled weekend, just being carefree for once. and i can't wait.