it's worth it.

i hate eating disorders. i hate what they do to the most amazing people. i hate what they do to relationships, to friendships, to dreams, to everything.

that's what finally got me to move on from my love-hate relationship with my eating disorder. after eight years of being with it, you feel like there is nothing else you can do. there is nothing else you know. you feel like it's secure, it's safe, and it's your best friends. and yet, at the same time..every time you turn to it, you feel worse. you feel like a failure. miserable. nothing. you feel like you would be better off dead. and that you are nothing to anyone.
coming out from that feeling has to be the hardest thing there is. i remember it all too well. 6 months ago i was sitting in my room asking myself why i was here. what was the point? what was the point of fighting. of going through the motions of life when i didn't want to be around. when it seemed like no one wanted me around. how the hell was i supposed to get up from that?

and i still don't know how or why, but i found the strength somewhere to crawl out of that spot by myself. i went to a couple therapists who said "you can't do this yourself." my doctors, who basically told my mom...eh don't worry, she'll pass out before anything bad happens to her. (even though i commute to school 30 minutes each way...?) i felt like no one had any faith. nick had left. my parents didn't say a word. my therapists turned me away. i had no friends, not hope, no faith.

but i did it. and for the first time in eight years i can say that i'm proud of myself. that through all of this, i found out who i am and what i want. and how i am worth all of my goals and hopes and dreams. i want my life. i want to live. and i fianlly am. i am finally worth something to myself. and that is the most important thing of it all.

i hate seeing people struggle. i hate reading my friends blogs and seeing the pain and misery they are going through. i was there just a few months ago. i know that agony. the burning desire to get better, but no hope of how it will ever happen. i want to be able to tell them how i did it. how i pulled myself out of that spot. but i honestly don't know how. i just got the point where i hated my eating disorder so much, that i was willing to go through absolutely anything. ANYTHING. to get rid of it. the anxiety, the panic attacks, the tears, the hatred of everything and everyone was so worth it. and that's all i can say to those who are still in the depths of it. it is worth it. please, give it a shot. because when you come out on top, it is probably the most amazing feeling i have ever experienced.

life is worth it. living in misery and depriving yourself of one of the most basic needs is not worth it. you just have to try it and find out.