one last time.

so a lot went on this weekend...
it was homecoming weekend and so i ended up going to the dance and the football game and having such a great time (from what i remember...) but anyways, me and nick had broken up like i said in a previous post, and i thought i was doing ok with it. so i went to the homecoming events with a different guy, josh. but sunday, when i truly thought that things with nick and i we completely over, he started telling me how much he missed me. and loved me. and didn't want to lose me. and me being me, gave in and went to his apartment sunday night.
well he hasn't shown emotion in probably the past like 6 months..ever since we broke up. i would be sitting there bawling my eyes out over how much i missed our relationship and he wouldn't be showing any sign of being upset or sad or worried. he'd always just be like, "relax, it's fine." well when i walked into his apartment on sunday night, he showed me how he truly had been feeling. he started sobbing. full out bawling. over me. over not having me? needless to say..it showed me a lot.
and despite what my friends and my mom and dad have been saying, i'm giving this another chance. for the longest time i thought he didn't realize how much it hurt me to have him leave when i was pretty much on my death bed. to have him say, well i need a break when i was trying to pull myself out of the toughest spot i've ever been in. for the past 6 months i didn't feel like he truly missed me and i thought that he could live without me with no problem. until sunday night, when i saw him lose it for the first time in a long long time.
things have been amazing since sunday night. i couldn't ask for him to be treating me better. and he wants to be there for me through everything. he knows i'm still struggling with thoughts and stuff..and he said he wants to be there. and i believe it. this time i actually believe everything he's saying.

i have been struggling a lot with like body image and stuff lately too..and having him just look at me the past few nights and just keep commenting on how beautiful he thinks i am has definitely been a plus. he had always been able to give my self esteem a boost, and while i know i have to work through a lot of it on my own, i'm hoping that he'll be able to help me get to that point in recovery that i want to be. where i feel like i'm truly there. so i guess we'll see how this goes. but i feel like this is honestly going to work out this time.