life isn't fair.

i don't think there is a truer statement than that. if i 100% believe anything, it is definitely that life. is not. fair.

i found out today that a friend i work with was in the ICU.  he has a genetic disorder that affects the blood vessels throughout his body and can result in aneurysms.  well..he has two. in his brain.
i went to visit him tonight, and the initial news was that they were going to be able to operate on them first thing tomorrow morning with a technique called coiling..meaning that they would like, cover and contain the aneurysms in hopes of keeping them from rupturing or from pushing on any of his brain.  so that sounded like decent news...at least they were going to be able to do something.
but that didn't last for long. we got kicked out of the room while the doctors came in to give him medicine and stuff like that...and when we came back we found out some bad news.  the type of aneurysm he has is extremely hard to operate on and there are some major complications.  one of the main arteries in his brain is completely diseased..which means they want to remove it. but that artery is attached to another artery that if removed, would cause a stroke.  they said that it would be probable for him to survive the stroke, but it would end up paralyzing his right side. but if they don't operate..he runs the great risk of the aneurysm rupturing and bleeding out. killing him.

what the hell are you supposed to do in that situation. on one hand, you could be paralyzed/not survive the surgery/stroke, but on the other hand if you don't get the surgery, you die. how is that fair? how does he deserve this?

i'm doing ok right now...the way i deal with emotions like this is weird. i never really like cry or anything like that. it's more of just an exhausted, stressed feeling. i feel like my body is all in knots. my anxiety is high and i'm just flat out exhausted. i want to just curl up and sleep. and not have to think about any of it. because every timei think about it, i just get pissed. he doesn't deserve this. it's not fair. and there's absolutely nothing that anyone can do to make it better. what good does praying do, i don't believe in god. what good does crying do, it won't make anyone feel better. so what do you do? i guess i get to sit and wait.

it just shows me how precious life really is. and how precious everyone in my life is to me. and even how precious my own life is and should be to me. i'm grateful that i turned my own life around. because honestly, it isn't something to play around with. he is 24 years old and could be dead tomorrow. that's not fair. and it's not right.

i guess through all of this though, something good did come out of it. i mean, out of every shitty situation there always is something positive.  i had been really really struggling with forgiving nick for everything. and the past few days i have just been excessively angry. just pissed off and irritable and, well, flat out mean to him. and even though i wish it wasn't through this situation, i realized how important he is to me and how much he really means to me. yeah, we went through a lot. he did hurt me. but i hurt him too and he went through just as much as i did. just in a different way. and i don't want to spend the precious time i have with him on this earth, mad and mean to him. i love him. and i'm going to just put the past behind me and give him another chance. he deserves that. he has been there for me through a lot - that's something that i shouldn't forget, and i never want to forget.

so this weekend is shaping up to be a rough one. everyone that reads this blog, please please please keep my friend chuck in your thoughts, and if you are religious, your prayers. it would mean a lot to me and to his family/friends<3