so there is a lot that's happened since i last posted.
first, my friend that was in the hospital decided not to get the operation done. so that means he basically has a ticking time bomb in his head...that could go off at any moment. i give him credit though. i feel like that was a brave decision to make. and that if that's what he wants, i can't say i blame him. i honestly don't know what i would do in that situation. and it definitely takes balls to make the decision to not do the surgery. either way would be rough though. so we are all just keeping him in our prayers and hoping for the best.
other big news. i got my period for the first time in 14 months on sunday. i was at work and i had to go to the bathroom and well. let's just say a surprise was waiting for me! at the time i was excited that i had finally got it back...i had been waiting because i felt like my body was getting a lot healthier and stuff. but now i'm not sure how to feel about it. ever since that happened i have been feeling really badly about my body. i have been really anxious about calories and weight and i am just really uncomfortable in my skin. i haven't wanted nick to touch or look at it..and i'm just getting that really awkward, idon'tknowwhattodoaboutthisfeeling. blah. i'm not sure what to do. i'm still eating...of course. but i am uncomfortable with my body image. i hate it. i feel disgusting and gross and al;ksfdja;lskdjf.
Just want to say that "al;ksfdja;lskdjf" is a term I definitely relate to. Every time mine comes back after a relapse, it's always the same clusterfuck of emotions. Naturally we're going to take into consideration evvvverything we learned about how all that period crap works and what is required, blah blah, because that's the way our minds work. But when you get to the bottom of it, the bottom line is, it signifies health. Not weight. Not 'fat.' Not just indicative of any sort of BMI... or jean size, or body fat percentage. It means you're healthy and most of all, it means your body is trusting you again. If you're like me, you've been through this readjustment period (pun not intended) many times before. I know that it's got you less than enthusiastic, but because it is sort of a milestone in terms of regaining health (HEALTH, not weight!), I just kept thinking, "wow, she did this all by herself." You really have worked SO hard and come so far. You've saved your own life, basically. That's damn impressive and inspiring.
ReplyDeleteAnd I will keep your friend in my prayers. I agree with you in that that's a brave decision to have to make. I imagine he has found peace with his decision, though. He's free to enjoy the time he has left without counting down the minutes or days until a surgery, or having to heal from one. It's always so, so hard to know you're going to lose somebody; but sometimes, when they've made peace with it themselves, you realize it's okay to love them enough to let them go. I'll be thinking of you, and like I always say, I'm so proud of you. Even when you're struggling, your inner voice is stronger than most.