i haven't felt this low in a really long time.
things with nick and i were finally getting better. we were feeling great again and i was believing that the things he said were actually true. but i stayed at his apartment the other night..he was going to cook me dinner and we were going to have a night together. amazing right? a guy wanting to cook me dinner. except we got into a stupid fight. and i found stuff on his facebook that hurt. like hell.
i don't know what to do. i love him, of course. but i can't help but question if this is a healthy relationship. i can't talk to him about my eating stuff anymore. i don't trust him enough for that. and i feel like crap about myself when i am with him. he's been treating me like a princesss lately. but with the things i found on his phone and on his facebook..what was he doing for the past six months? while i was going through the hardest thing i have ever gone through, he was doing god knows what. with girls, and drinking, and partying. and he wasn't there. he bailed when i needed him the most. i am so hurt right now and i don't know what to do. and my self esteem is below shitty...it's the worst it's been in a long time. i haven't wanted to eat. the thoughts have been just like circling through my head lately. i count everything now. everything i choose to eat is the lower option. i'm hungry right now. but i'm not going to eat anything. i already had an apple (nothing near what i normally have for a snack) and i'm pissed at myself for that. i went to the gym today and i pushed myself hard. becuase i was pissed and it's my way of releasing the anger. i don't want to slide back into this. but i don't have the motivation to push through it right now. he hurt me so badly. and i want to forgive him but i don't know how. i want to just put it all behind me, but i don't know how to do that when i feel lower than dirt. i want to know he loves me. i want to know that he won't leave me again. but how can i trust someone that left me when i was at the lowest point in my life. and didn't even seem to care. i'm so confused. and hurt. and lost. and i just want it to stop.
"but how can i trust someone that left me when i was at the lowest point in my life..."
ReplyDeleteIt's really, really hard. And before you can do that, you have to be confident in yourself. This is just an observation... so I could be way off base. But it seems like out of the last few months, during which you have come across as so confident, determined, and strong... it's been within the past couple of weeks that I've seen that gradually decrease. And maybe I'm making the wrong connection here. But maybe it's NOT in your best interest right now to be with someone who you can't trust, who you feel betrayed by, and who has hurt you? I'm not saying all of those things can't be overcome with time, but now is not the time to do it when you're at a pretty pivotal point in your own recovery - which should come first. The fact that you were so open to reconciliation in the first place shows how big your heart is. YOU didn't break the trust here. It's circumstances that seem to be created by Nick that have you doubting not only the relationship, but yourself - which is turning into a domino effect, because it's trickling down into your motivation to get better. I know you used to be able to talk to Nick about your ED openly, but the fact that right now you can't rubs me the wrong way. Because this is a big deal in your life right now; and I'm not talking about the eating disorder so much as I am your incredible progress. To put that aside or shove it under a rug minimizes it's importance - and I've heard you say how much you want to beat this, and all of your reasons why. I'm just scared that any further heartbreak in this relationship will only break your resolve. And you've come SO far - way too far - to let that happen.
As far as whatever it was he said on his Facebook and what he did while you were apart, I know how much it stings to stumble upon things that were stabs at you months (or a year) after they happen, after you thought you'd moved past it. This happened to me not too long ago with a friend of mine - somehow or another, I stumbled across a post from 2009, where she completely bashed me. And while it's been 2 years and we have long since moved past all of that, to suddenly see evidence of how mean she was in ways I didn't even know about just stirred it all back up. It sucks... that's a downside of the internet I guess. There really ISN'T any 'taking things back' online.
I love you too much to let you backslide, so if I have to gather up my posse, come throw you in a net and make sure you're okay, I will.
I do have a net.
Wow, I always leave such novels as comments. SORRY!
ReplyDeleteAs an example that might help you, when I was deep into my depression I dated this guy. My mind was all mixed up and I ended up breaking up with him, which was the biggest mistake of my life. We're together now because he forgave me. I guess if the relationship is supposed to be it will. Take time to think about it, like seriously, and if you need to talk you can text me (I can give you my number shoot me a message on facebook). Please take care of yourself because you've come so far and it would be terrible to see you backslide. I hope this helps. <3
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