i hit a huge landmark for me today. and i'm not sure how i want to feel about it.
i knew this was going to be coming soon...i've been hovering around this point for weeks now. but i never knew what my reaction was going to be whenever i finally got there. it's not like i haven't been above this point before...i was able to maintain it for like a year and a half at one point. but it's been since last year that i've been here. and it's messing with me.
on one hand, i'm so proud of myself for getting to this point. especially looking back at where i was six months ago. i've gained twenty pounds on my own. not something that i can say i've ever done on my own and willingly before. and just thinking about that makes me so confident in my recovery and so proud of myself.
but on the other hand, there's still that part of me that hates it. as much as i try to ignore it and pretend like it's not there, it always is. some days it's louder than others, but no matter what it is always there. when i stepped on the scale this morning at the doctors, half of me was still praying that i didn't gain anything. and a little part of me still was yearning for the number to go down. for some reason, there's still that sense of accomplishment and joy whenever i see the number go down. for no reason other than, that's what it's supposed to do, right? that's what i thought for so long, so why is it different now? but then there's that part that i am trying to hold on to with everything i can, that was happy to see that barrier FINALLY broken. after six months of anxiety and hell. my work paid off.
not to mention that i am currently 4.8 pounds away from meeting my goal to play tennis. realistically that could be next month that i am back out on the court. and if i push myself, it could be even sooner than that. i don't want this barrier to set me back, but i can't help but feel fat today. to look at myself and think, holy shit i gained twenty pounds. i am a fat disgusting human being. and i know that's not true, considering i am still what the doctors consider underweight. but at the same time it is fucking scary to think that i have gained that much.
it sucks having to constantly deal with the back and forth in my head. i want to be able to just have weight and calories and food be out of my mind completely. i want that full recovery. something that i didn't believe was possible for so long. but after the last six months, i honestly believe that it can happen. and i'm going to do everything i possibly can to get there.
I relate to everything you wrote here. And I think we'll always have SOME sort of ED-related thought that pops up once in a while in circumstances where it used to reign, like when we step on a scale, or try on some clothes. No matter how well we are doing... it's the nature of the beast. Don't gauge your recovery on making that voice go away completely, but base it on how well you're able to say "ok, that's the ED. But it's not going to ruin me." Which it sounds like you're doing a great job of, even though I know it's so hard. It's like you said... it's instinctive. Our brain still acts on what it's done for years; it would be like moving to France, having just learned French, and not expecting an English word or phrase to pop out of your mouth once in a while. :-) I am so proud of you.
ReplyDeleteWhen you said this: "but at the same time it is fucking scary to think that i have gained that much", it made me think of something. Here's the other side of the coin that it might help to focus on: It may be scary to think you gained that much... but what is ten times scarier is the fact that you LOST that much. You know? And that you can gain what you refer to as 'this much' and still be underweight. Try to keep that part in perspective. I know the FEELING you feel - believe me, hence my status today - but it's not accurate! And until you can believe it yourself, I'll keep reminding you. :)
Focus on tennis!! THAT'S life. Love you!
thanks emily<3 i'm definitely trying to look at it as a positive. it's working for the most part!
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