Back to Blogging

so i feel like i has been absolutely forever since i have written on here.  i saw that jenna and rachel are back to blogging and read their posts tonight, and it kind of inspired me to write on here again. so here's an update on life.  but where to start?

good news first.  i am playing tennis again, as many of you have probably seen from my facebook page.  it honestly is too amazing to even put into words so i'm not going to even try to.  all that i can say is that i feel like the big chunk of me that has been missing is finally back in its place. and it seems like every day that goes by and every time i get to play, a little bit of that eating disorder identity i have falls away a little more.  it's almost as if i feel like i'm shedding a layer, or breaking out a shell. and each time i realize that i have what i have been missing for so long, i can break off another piece.  i'm confident that soon, the eating disorder will honestly just be a memory. it's already starting to feel like one.

i also got half of the tattoo i have been wanting to get.  i always told myself that i would get the NEDA symbol tattooed somewhere on  my body when i felt like i was honestly recovered.  i had drawn  up a bunch of ideas, and the last one i drew i completely fell in love with.  i got it on a COMPLETE spur of the moment. i went to get it priced, and ended up saying fuck it, i'm just getting it. my parents did evenutally find out, and i am still alive and still have a place to live.  so thankfully it all worked out<3  i got it on my ribs.  the picture of it is on my facebook if anyone is curious to see it that hasn't.  it hurt so bad. but the whole time (as cheesy as it sounds) i closed my eyes and just imagined the pain was ED being like, scorched out of my body. as i felt the needle tattoo the NEDA symbol in, i thought about all the pain i have gone through in the past seven to eight years, and how this was going to symbolize that the pain was finally over.  it got me through the hour long process.  and since i have gotten it done, i have been finding i let myself eat more/what i want when i want it.  if i start having thoughts, i just reach down to my side and remember that i am recovered. it's on my body for life. which means i have to follow through. and it symbolizes that i have MY life back.  ED is no longer in control. and i am going to keep winning this battle.

so overall, i have to say that things are going better then i had ever expected/hoped they would.  a year ago, if you asked me if i would recover i would have laughed in your face.  so anyone going through a tough time right now or struggling with recovery, i have done it in less than 365 days. if you want it badly enough and if you give it EVERYTHING and every ounce of fight you possibly have..i promise you, it's possible. and it's more than worth it.

i'm going to try to do better with keeping up with this.  love you all<3