nothing.

i disgust myself. all this eating and still not tennis. all this eating and nick is gone.  all this eating, and all i feel is dirty. unclean. shame. disgusting. disgusting. disgusting. i keep eating despite the feelings. despite the weight gain. despite everything.  i'm not gaining anytying i want to be. still no boobs. still no butt. i'm awkward and retarded looking. i hate it. it's pathetic. i have my period, i have 20 pounds worth of weight. i have enough food. enough fat. but i still don't even look like a girl should look. i still don't have boobs. still no nice curves. just awkward. disproportionate.
i exercise but don't have results.
i'm not going to ever look the way i want to or feel the way i want to.
i'm never going to be good enough for people. everything i do is just wrong. not enough. stupid. weird. i shouldn't feel the way i feel. or at least that's what i'm told
what is it like to be genuinely happy?
what would even make me happy?
what am i really even worth..

because honestly i feel like nothing.
worth nothing.
and i want to be nothing.