i am having a really tough night. i miss nick so much. i don't want to and id on't know why i do..but i miss him so much right now, it's like killing me. i konw it was my decision to walk away from our relationship this last time. and part of me still feels like it's still the best thing for me. but at the same time i feel so empty right now.
i haven't felt content in a long time. last christmas was the last time the truely felt at peace within myself. granted, i wasn't doing the greatest at the time..but there was still a sense of my life being in place. everything going ok. i had nick who loved me more than his own life. and cared about me more than i think anyone ever has (other than family). and when things with us started crumbing at the beginning of this year..so did my self like content? if that makes any sense? i don't know. obviously my self esteem, self worth, anxiety depression, etc, etc, kept getting worse as my weight did too..and they did improve as i started regaining my health. but they haven't recovered to where they once were. i still feel lost and incomplete. like there's a huge hole that can't be filled no matter what i do.
i'm jsut really lonely i think. i just don't know what to do. my relationship with nick obviously wasn't working. and if i'm really looking at it honestly..i don't think that's what is causing me to feel like this. i think it's just the last aspect of my self esteem that hasn't come back since my eating disorder started. when i met nick, it was almost like he filled in that last hole in my self esteem/worth. he made me feel so amazing that it seemed like i was feeling better about myself. and then when that faded and things got tough..i realized that the underlying cause of my self-hatred is still there. and i don't think it ever really did go away. it was just masked for a while. and now with him gone, it's staring at me. right in the face. and i don't know what to do to make it go away. before i would turn to my eating disorder. and that would make it better. but now that i don't turn to that anymore..what is it that i turn to? i'm recovering...but then why do i feel so completely lost?
"i'm recovering...but then why do i feel so completely lost? "
ReplyDeleteBecause it's foreign territory. It's the yellow brick road ... but with potholes, detours, dead ends, untraveled terrain. All we know is that somewhere at the end of it, there's a destination that's worth it. Recovering takes total blind faith - blind faith in our bodies, in our selves, in our treatment teams/therapists... a blind faith in everything, because for so long our EDs were 'everything.' I think that's why people who HAVEN'T struggled find it so hard to understand.
I wish I had words of wisdom regarding how you feel about the Nick situation. I know he's been (and regardless of what happens, still is) a huge part of your life- and no doubt he's played a significant, positive role (most of the time ;-) ) Maybe though, the timing is right to work through this. All the second guessing yourself, and the loneliness... it will fade, but you need to give it time. Don't judge your decisions so much - I find that most of the decisions you second guess yourself on were decisions you made with a very clear head and wise mind. Give yourself credit for knowing what is best for you and acting on it - even if there are times like this where you forget and feel lost. <3
Jen love,
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. I felt that way once before..remember? I mean..I'll be honest...it took a long time for that empty feeling to go away. It took almost a year. It took a lot of energy to do a simple task. It took a lot of energy to keep yourself from crying, or just to get out of bed.
But the truth is, it does get better..and in the long run, this is probably the best thing for you. You made the best decision for yourself. & Right now, you need to focus on yourself. If he wasn't ready to be there for you through thick and thin, then that's his fault.
I'll tell you one thing though, he is missing out on someone great.
& I honestly feel like he will regret losing your trust.
You did what you had to do for yourself..
keep that in mind.