starting over.

so you are probably wondering why my last post on my old blog was that i wasn't going to be doing anymore blogging. well, here's the explanation..and the reason why i am starting a competely new blog.

the past few das have been complete hell. i came down with a major head cold this weekend. i didn't feel very well after work saturday, and then sunday when i got up for work i felt like complete hell. i made it through the day, but was exhausted and felt like crap. i ended up going shopping with nick after work, and we ended up getting into a fight. so i went home just wanting to crawl into my bed and go to sleep for a while. well, when i got home my mom was like "is everything going ok? like with eating and stuff?" and i was like, "why...?" cuz if you know anything about my mother, you will know that she doesn't just randomly ask questions like that. there is alllllwayyys a reason behind it. and she was like "well, i read something?" and immediately my stomach sank. my blog. my last post had talked about how i had been struggling. how i had been exercising, and purging. great.

my first reaction was to just say "fuck you" which is what i ended up doing. i went upstairs, changed, and headed right back out the door. my dad followed me and started saying stuff like "we have to have a talk" and blah blah. well i kept on walking. well with that, he got pissssssed and whipped my keys out of my hand. he was like where are you going? and i said to nick's house. and he was like, "you can walk."  so that's what i was gonna do. i started walking as fast as i could out of my neighborhood. i called nick and he came and picked me up. as soon as i got in the car i lost it. not only had my mom betrayed my trust once again, i had lost my main outlet. the place that i could be 100% real and honest and not feel guilty or bad about myself. and not only that, i could get feedback from girls that know exactly what i'm going through. i needed that blog. it got me through so much.

i've never been one to open up about my feelings and to talk about things. therapy sessions would consist of me sitting in silence. journal entries would consist of me writing about how stupid i thought journaling is. but i found something helpful about blogging. about people seeing it and reading about how i was feeling and not judging it. and like, one time when i honestly did try journaling, my mom read my journal. it was when i was in the hospital and i had left the room to go to the bathroom and when i came back, my mom was over at my desk reading my journal. and other times she's gone through my room. or listened in on phone conversations. i've never really had her trust. and here she is betraying it once again.

so things were a huge disaster. the next morning my dad and i got in a horrible fight. he said some things that i don't know if i will ever be able to forgive. the one thing that sticks out in my mind is him saying, "it's just disgusting that you would stuff yourself and then go throw up. if you want to sabatoge (spelling?) your recovery you can do it without me being involved. what would even make you think to do that is beyond me."

i'm not trying to ruin my recovery. i'm not trying to be a problem. i'm just trying to fight this thing each and every day with everything i've got. and what pisses me off more than anything else is that when i was at my lowest point and ready to die, they didn't say a god. damn. word.

now that i've gained like 20 pounds and i'm almost to the point that they want me, they're threatening to stop paying for college and to take away my car, and all this other shit. how does that even make sense? i did this all on my own. i did this without them and without anyone else.

so all i have to say is my parents can suck.my.dick.